Lately, I live with this "day late, dollar short" disposition. I say disposition rather than attitude because it feels so much a part of me that it's difficult to change it. Can I really change my life by thinking positively? Do all busts lead to booms?
At my age (which didn't feel old to me a couple of years ago but feels ancient to me now) can I really get up, dust myself off and start over? I do not feel like I want to start over. I feel that I want to give up. Although, the prospect of "hope" glimmers before me. Ultimately I will give in to it and think maybe today, tomorrow, the future WILL be brighter. Maybe if I just give it all up and start fresh it will be like the springtime. My garden will begin to bloom and the once dry, dead ground will come alive with the sights, sounds, and smells of a May day. A day where daffodils and daisies smile at me and sing, "it's a clear day, rise and look around you...".
Yes, that spark is still in my heart but is it enough to light the fire and ignite the passion for life that I once enjoyed? There was a time when I sang in the morning in spite of the hardships, when the poetry filled missives I wrote filled me up, and the darkest hour burst forth with a miracle sunrise. But now...now it seems the chill of winter hangs ominously over me. Death has become more a reality in life than in death itself. I live most days in pain, not physically, but emotionally and I feel the sharp bite of bitterness tear into my heart. Some days it feels like it would be easier to let myself be overcome and torn to shreds rather than turn and face my attacker. The warrior that once lived within me and wielded a sword is weary. I have grown discouraged. My prayers have been reduced to weeping and the repetitious mumbling of the name Jesus.